Sunday, 31 January 2010

sleep is good

so wow! can i or should i maybe erase the last blog?
has that much really shifted? ummm...
well... i know there is a gift i can learn from this...patience, unconditional love, loving kindness and non injury.
it's more like my mind and emotions just keep getting so anoiyed by this persons attitude and expressive personality.
and i know she's a lovely soul. with a huge heart and tons of sweetness. so why do my judgements and missunderstandings keep coming up.
i've had major shifts in 3 close friendships in the past 3 or 4 months. i'm thinkin it's me? is it possible to regress in love and understanding?
i sure pray i'm not.
we all have our things to learn, and i am asking to understand.
breath breath breath
it's time to fast, meditate and go into my own.
it's so hard when you haven't created your own anything. own space. own time.
love and service are great. but what about own love own service. i feel so selfish, but it really really really really may be just what i need to create and do.
back to me. because when i'm my best, it reflects in my relationships to others.
Honesty. Lets starts with self honesty.
what do i want and need? why?
how can i get what i want and need?
how can i create this right now? or when should i say,"it is done?"
truth be told....i don't know why i'm even going to india! this is a big 3 month trip and i don't see the purpose! not when i know i can just be relaxing and meditating and starting to build my new life right here in america.
i'm asking for some help guidance and support for whatever direction my be best.
what if i all the sudden decide india is not for me at this time. or all i want to do is go and get pk?
this may be the sepparation of yet another close friend. there are too many constant themes here.
will sleep on it.
peace light and love

Thursday, 28 January 2010

stress release

so i know it's my own stuff coming to the surface. but that doesn't make it any easier!
am staying at my friends, who is very direct and in my opinion does not use sweet loving-kindness communication. and we have the dogs/kids right now and though i could just leave the house to avoid them. i do not feel like i need to leave the comfort of the computer and books, just because the dogs are annoying. (did i mention i stepped in a big puddle of pee earlier? Yeah! with my slippers on. which i need to where so all my socks don't get totaly gross. now i can sweet and clean the floors everyday, but the socks, somehow miraculously keep getting gross. i'm talking sticky brown to black and even after to you wash them, the remnants still remain. i guese there is something to say about wearing black socks;)
and yes...i am her guest, so what place to i have to say anything? it doesn't seem apropriate and nice. and in all honesty i'm just in a bit of a mood right now.
so i've just started to cook regularly and i have to say, one of the worst things you can do to me is not appriciate the food. rather...she says, "if had garlic it would be good." not..."yeah this is good and what could make it even better might be to add some garlic." compliment me! encourage me! justify my cooking!
our normal habit is to just go eat out 2 meals a day average $14 a meal. seriously! i created and encouraged this habit because i was only ever here for 3 days and was brought out to eat usually at least once in those three days. and then she gets upset when i keep pointed out the price! well yeahhhhhhhh! my budget is 1/20th(and although this is temporary it's still what i see at this moment) of yours and i have to be aware of this and since we are splitting the bill.... okay on her defense i was mentioning it every meal.
so now i am practicing cooking, but am realizing with the food she eats twice as much as i normally do and somehow is like half my size.
also i haven't been able to get a good workout in days. monday we went to kick boxing and i'm just glad i didn't start crying. seriously.
sorry to whomever reads this. i needed to vent. and other than the dogs continually ruffing at me, am feeling much release.
love love love