okay...really

Love to keep track of life
ha ha ha
that of course will only ever be a joke
love the moment by moment unknowns
well...sometimes
love these sweet super cute love songs
mood music
smiles light love peace joy and wonder
always in this moment
letting it all go
picking it back up again
just to remember to let it go
ohhh the sweetness of it all
thanks for the thoughts
thanks for whatever
xxxxxx
and so it is
so it was
so it shall ever be
one nowness always!

i'm not looking for anything. i just want to write and this mind is just going going and going and well if i could/would just slow down...center center.
took nice bath and shower and am ready for some good music and great sleep.

ramblin down this road called life

Wow...it's been a while, but i want to write fast or type fast as the situation stands.
there is so much on my mind, but when i look to see all the things i'm doing, there really is just not much reason. i'm only doing 3 things right now. Wow! it just hit me....looking around my desk here....my papers are all strung out. clothes are still not put away from about 4 days ago and basically there is just a whole lot of non order. The bed it make, though. and very nicely if i do say so myself.
the biggest struggle has been getting back on a regular meditation routine. sure...i'll meditate somehow everyday, but not at a regular time and, well....maybe for just 15 min if i'm going to completely honest.
it just feel good to type and process all this. writting in my journal these days almost seems like a struggle. i just can't seem to get all the words out fast enough.
am very much looking forward to moving, though as i looked around last night, realized i'm not quite set up to just move out quite yet. and that is okay...as long as i don't keep myself here much longer. moments even arise where the thought comes to just stay till after india, but...in all honesty....hmmmmm.....maybe i'll just go to india! noooo...that is not happening, but i hadn't even thought of that as an option before.
am looking forward to the wedding and seeing the bride and holding the ring and doing whatever else i can do. just can't imagine and give her huge props for moving and wedding and everything else.
well....i can see the first task of the morning is to be organize and file all papers and clothes and then see what fun other stuff needs to go where.
i've been asking for a lot of help and guidance from my spiritual guides and angels these days. they do so much and work so hard and i'm trying not to to think that i'm missing somthing; like a clue or a tool or a point to this incarnation.
work with kids. that's all i got. and that is something. and something great at that!
so really once i get the pranic healing dvd promotional done and sent out and the wedding...i could just take off till thanksgiving. but where would i go? i don't even know where am going to stay when visiting fairfield. all always works out and that's really not an issue per se.
okay...organize.
ohhh yeah!!!!! oh gooood! can do something today, other than just organize and clean and dress up and give out halloween candy! find all the information needed to get italian citizenship! sweet!
breath sam, breath....enjoy life.
i am enjoying life, just not this feeling of being lazy and stuff.

so greatful for flower essenses today.

went off on sister earlier. she's been quiet and non mean for the rest of the day.

woke up in a silent bubble. am greatful for all the healing taking place in my life right now.

am looking forward to this new life transition.

moving on from united. furloughs go through sept 1st.

now to get working with youth and helping them out.

ohhh i have so much to learn. may i learn it with love and grace.

please be easy on my world. i'm soooo sensative these days.

am trying to work out these knots that have been created. they were like my stress mechanism.

and now they are unwinding, this world i've put myself in seems so much meaner.

ohhh that i might be a beam of light and love and not so overly sensative to take it on.

love love love

am looking at prices for moving out and moving on.

get in a healthier environment.

it's good for me to hear all these people make excuses about the pain in there life....

it makes me want to yell "empower yourself! stop playing a victim!" i can only do this now, because i have been them. i say have been, as in past tense, because i don't want to have it continue to be my present reality.

love love love

so i've found the ring i want to get.

no not a wedding ring. those kind of things don't even really run through my mind hardly ever.

anyways... it's really pretty and kind of a deal, because i've never really bought a nice ring before. it's not the diamond pinky ring(which will still get one day soon) it's a surprise and once i get it, i'll share it with the world.

haven't even been journaling all that much lately. i keep speaking the travel bug i had is gone, but everytime i'm "home" for a couple days i want to run and go back to my cave. only i really don't have a cave to run to. so instead i stay up late and wake up late as a way to escape. night time is a different place and world for me i guese.

hmmmmm.......

been listening to beatles song, oh my love.

am in a warm fuzzy, i want a boyfriend to snuggle up to mode.

maybe when i stop listening to this song this feeling will pass.

it's a great song, just too short in my opinion.

smiles always

contemplating romantic love

such a sweet moment, but never sad once it's passed.

mmmm.......

cleaning house or email as it is

wow! wow! wow!
after a nap and a couple hours of email clearing and organizing, things seem more clear.
my hotmail email was able to get to empty, gmail to all organized, and yahoo deleted and organized through all emails.
Friend was saying something about organizing and after a second run in with my english bank acount, i decided having so many of everything, in so many places, coming from everywhere was just not a great idea. what do i mean??? and understand am still organizing and cutting back....3 credit union accounts 3 savings 2 checking, 2 bank accounts w/ 3 checking and 2 saving, 2 credit cards, 3 loans from 3 places....paychecks, auto debits, and such and well....i was bound to consolidate at somepoint.
solution??? working on it. i like them all for different reasons. ohh am getting a financial accountability consultant
thats all on the home front
blessings and peace out

something to write about

so just realized something great about moving....all the random stuff from childhood that had forgotten about. the random stuff no one would think of keeping if you passed away. ohh i won't keep you in suspense any longer. so what was found; about 10 postcards of travels to sacramento taken at age 12. both 7th and 8th grade class pictures and my first or second team basketball pic from when my dad was coach. i was age 8 or 9. ohh also my kindergarden class picture. which randomly does have one girl in it who just invited me as a friend on facebook. she officially is the longest know person i've kept in touch with. good times! really this is great! it's been a bit of a time getting all this moving stuff together.
since have lost my phone also lost all friends birthday info, so am searching these facts out now.
other than that am a bit on the sleepy side and do work tomorow. yeah!!!
love and love and love

uhhhhhhhhhh

it's time to blog again.
uhhhh....let go let go let go....
uhhhh....this and that this and that
uhhhh.... can you tell i'm in a mood?
aren't you glad you came?
i don't know if i'm coming going or standing still these days...
is it possible to go backwards?
or maybe just topple over.
this whole weight thing...this stupid relative weight thing.
my big pants got back to tight fitting, and got a whole in the knee. they are my only pants here that wear so went to buy an low priced new pair. bought one, without trying on...not a good idea, they were my average size. i just pray in england that means size smaller. actually wouldn't be bad if it was 1 size, but it was 2 sizes too small and the body still hasn't gone number 2 in days.
hee hee hee...number 2. i just called poo number 2.
i need to laugh and cry.
can i do both at the same time?
will these headaches ever just stop! full stop!
please just go away already!!!
i let go let go let go let go.....
peace love joy sweetness

smiles and light

ode to our amazing world!

am looking forward to national geographic earth day movie speacial.

watching a 10 things you need to know about us(british) because it makes us who we are today. it's a history channel show. it was interesting, and does seem pretty right on to the foundation of the way the brits live today. one thing they didn't mention, which i would think is an obvious foundation, and that is gold. maybe that wouldn't be very british and proper to metion such things, though.

really tried to cry this morning, no tears came, but the emotions were up.

transfer went through. may 1st transfer day.

US phone battery dead and charger left at parents home, and wont be back there for a couple weeks.

lourdes is on for the end of the week.

la la la la la

just needed to write a little. and may go into central town today. haven't meditated to am off for now.

smiles and light

just home

made it home right before it started pouring rain.

put transfer in for LAS last week and was sure it would be accepted, but not LAS transfers went through. so am still in london till further knowingness.

have decided to clean out my hotmail account. have had it since was like 13 or something.

let you know how it goes.

am thinking about growing hair out. it's at a pretty ok length right now. and the idea of growing it out is kind of exciting.

light love blessings

welcoming abundance

so haven't written in a while. am back from holiday. an amazing holiday.

have been realizing all the "stinkin thinkin" i've been expressing. and have decided to focus on recongizing and adjusting alot of self talk.

i'm big on being the creator of my own health and reality, and there have been some areas in my life, where negative or contradictatory(may have just made that up) thoughts have been coming up. especially in the way of finances and health energy. so am headed out to clean up some of these programs and unwanted beliefs.

am home in london now. and transfer for LAS becomes effective may 1.

and just a quick testimonial. was have a couple emotional outburst about my budget this weekend. tithed over the usual and the abundant material and financial blessings have already begun to flow in. with so much gratitude my heart can hardly expess.

blessings and light and love

title it

so yeah....went out to town yesterday. did buy stuff. but am all good about it.

started period today, so really probably was extra emotional an physically bloated yesterday.

today looked down saw "buddha belly" and thought and felt "ahhh, so nice." attitude attitude attitude

you're all that matters to me....take that song; shine. theme song for the day.

so the sun has been out and smileing for the last few days. don't think went outside once yesterday. and basically putting all my effort, just to get out today. why? am not finding a why. and still haven't put in transfer for las, though did say would wait till end of the month. why wait? again no answer to the why. really do try to just go to the gym to move and stuff and be there to be there, but when i wake in the morning and the belly seems more rolly and pants seem equally tight from weeks ago....sucks. that's all. sucks. i can't even seem to take of my body? don't even want to go out into public and i where a coat that covers everything. and probalby don't even look so different from this summer.

snow is melting. sun is shining. getting out of the house.

also...don't like to leave the house, because every time i do i spend money. could i just not spend money? likely. but then again i seem to only go out of the house when need to. or when going to the gym. don't even want to go to the gym when feeel like a big rolly. don't worry. intelectually know am not. but would go back to bed, but if i sleep too long wake up with a back ache or neck ache. staying up is better. but then, when am up all do is drink water, tea and munch. and really don't have anything to munch on so am eating way lot of cooked lentils rice and onions. writting that kind of made me smile. and ask, so why not just put transfer through already.

2 things. 1 idea of living with parents is no more motivating then being here in london w/ such a tight budget. come on...even with such a tight budget of food and going to the gym the body still looks the same. 2 because if transfer goes through and haven't had enough working trips to bring boxes back am going to have to pay internatanal shipping costs just to get the boxes back in the first place. now could i just leave it all. tech yes, but really the majority are books, which maybe leaving them would not be a half decent idea. let the books go already sam. let them go.

a glacier always looks smaller and more magnificently beautiful from the airplane

so am getting closer to not feeling paranoid about missing a call. woke up at 345am and decided it best to not go right back to bed, for what if they tried to call and the phones didn't work again.

the whole someone did pickup. some european man, with loud music and a dog in the background, and supposely he banged super hard on my door. sounds like a bad dream to me. talked to the crew lady who made the phone call and she was more just glad that i was okay. she said when that happened she was concerned for me. so we are almost at a closer for the situation, though i did wake up deciding to change servers. human error in calling is one thing, but have multiple wrong person pick up....not okay.

so aside from strangeness and yesterdays freek out, it's still way early, but all is well. it always was, just don't try telling me that when in freek out mode. had family with danny's fam last night and celebrated his sisters bday. it was really really nice. so glad had an attitude checkup by then.

well light love and blessings peace and joy and abundance

dnf= did not fly

maybe i should look at this DVF in a growth sort of way. or maybe a vedanta sort of way. DNF's in my flight attendant world are basically the worst thing you can get as a flight attendant. and this morning i got one. they gave me the san fran trip, which i knew was going to get. they called at 3:30, but the phone never rang. they try to call a couple times, but still the phone never rang. so samantha woke up at 8:30 thinking they really should be giving me the trip by now, but.... DNF! so instead of composing my emotions, i cried and cried and cried and fought it out to get it oked, but due to the other 2#'s dialed,(which i knew wouldn't work, but they never needed to in the past, because my UK cell phone always rings). well as a growth thing, am now going to go talk to the people who i have service with and see about them writting something for work. how silly... a note for work. i heard myself running up the stairs yelling(in a whisper) "it's not my fault!" even at the moment of saying it, i could fill how much power i gave another over my situation. so i take that comment back. of course there is always something i could have done different, and for a next time experience(so there won't be a next time) am topping up on the emergency UK phone#, talking to the cell phone provider, and maybe getting a skype # that will ring to my phone. Don't if could get the 3rd one to work. but also...maybe i'll be at the top of the list next days available, so the next time will get a really good trip and will be ready for it. and on a bright side, since did freak out and call work right when it happened, already got to talk with my supervisor.

then there's the vedanta approach, it is not good or bad. it's just what happened in that moment. and now, this is what is happening in this moment. do not be attached to this illusionary thought. you get to go to san fran, you get a DNF it's all the same. one without a second.

though i'd like to take on the vedanta approach, there's still the thought to take care that it won't happen again. karma really isn't an issue w/ vedanta philosophy. so if i wasn't going that route, would have to say, this was just some karma i needed to work out. but even writting such a phrase seems so fake.

anyways...bodys still just calming down. am going to go for a walk, and make this an amazing beautiful day! because growth process or vedanta, life is what it is and plays as it plays.

webbuilder

so just first website page together. and for those who know what a time it was just to get this blog going, the idea of a whole website may seem like a ,"really?" kind of thought. it's true, though, of course with the help of a friend who has put together about a dozen websites. this person prides themselves on their keen idea and simple and clean websites. this person also got a bit confused about me not noticing they had lost 45 pounds. this second point is added because when he finally asked me if i had noticed all the loss of body weight, had to honestly say, "ummm.... really didn't."and then decided to recongnize have never really noticed how other websites look like. am trying to be more attentive now, but it's more am mostly at the point, can tell if i like it or not. am working on the details. the what parts and aspects like and don't. the balance of each page, the ease in getting from page to page. the colors and pics used. it's all quite an interesting new adventure.

blessings and smiles

writting it out......

it is what it is, but ohhh my goodness!

really? can't imagine am the one person who gets this over and over. but today is especially rough. went to bed with headache, woke up with head pounding 8 hours of sleep later. and body still soooo super tired. fatigue tired, not just the eyes don't want to wake up(which they don't), but the mind and bodies are just soooo out of it. vitamins, herbs, water, coffee, tea, food, going back to rest the body, meditating, exercising, getting fresh air....done it all. not at the same time. then last night, said to self....just go to sleep all natural. no meletonin, no herbs or vitamins.

totally believe in the bodies natural ability to heal itself and natural consciousness of balance for the physiology. and yes also, obviously, believe in helping and supporting that natural tendancy, but when one way doesn't work and things need to happen and just aren't, one trys something else.

this may not make complete sence, just needed to get something done. write something. something that doesn't need to make sence. just write it out.

what would happen if i wrote just the opposite. about my super energized balanced healthy clear mind bodys. could it be created just with the words? so much energy. so much clarity. so much balance and peace. am feeling better and more and more clear at every moment. the light is shining in and my bodys are responding with greater and greater amounts of energy. so bright! so shiney! sooo lovely!

yeah... if we are writting anyways, and whatever it is. it is what it is. lets write of the brightness the light and the joy. lets write out the balance and the peace and the sweetness.

or something like that.

blessings and peace always.

so be it.

pizza and service

Eating good pizza in london. this really is quite a concept. the pizza over here just isn't the same as america. not even the frozen stuff. but this is dominos, so it is 'american' pizza . housemate left some for me today. really nice. the reason i don't buy pizza or really any other food out is because it's about 20 pounds for a large. 17 for med and small's, which would be the american equivalent to a personal size pizza are average 8 pounds, multipy by 1.5 and that's the amount in dollars. not much motivation to eat pizza over here, needless to say. plus, it is kind of fun having pizza as a treat when i go back to US now.

so have been feeling really grateful to all the people who have set a foundation for themselves and their lifes work. how to explain....well for example, i get this astrology report once a week from this lady in london. so it's not like tarot.com or some other international random 'you will come upon a great surprize this week' kind of reading. you can tell she has a general reading probably per 12 major rising signs. she's been doing it for a while so the emails are quite nice, fancyish, and personal. also...the groccer up the street, don't know how long they've had their shop, but their spices and teas inventory is great; well organized and competively priced. and as far as can see, they are not going anywhere. also, but strangley the original thought was brought about by the feeding program we started in sarasota. went to visit the other day and almost all the original helpers were there. this one lady even came up to me and made the comment about how cool it is that this was started 3 yr's ago and it's still going. she said something like, you left, but it still goes on every week( and they are starting a feeding on sat starting next week! yeah!) though my foundation was stable, there were enough others who already had a foundation in sarasota and were not going anywhere, so they just decided to turn the feeding into part of their sunday life routine. ohhhh sooo grateful. some of the 'homeys', as my friend likes to call them, thought i was a new face. had to smile, because that day, i was.

the big thing, or maybe not so big thing, about seeing the feeding program is that there was a bit of a fear that if got something going it may not last. the business in jax didn't sustain, but the feeding program did. maybe it has more to do with the heart of people then their strong foundation in something or somewhere. but having both people with good will and the willingness, and ability to do good are key things. either way, that created fear is gone. after what is FEAR but false evidence appearing real. heard that one a long time ago and still use it to this day.

light love blessings peace and joy

sunny days

am quite excited!!! got my scedule for feb...and am pretty sure got basically my #2 pick. love being based in london and having some seniority for bidding. don't know how it will be in vegas. even talked to my sister today about moving back. the conversation went well and totally lightened my attitude on a couple points i was having issues with. it will be good to continue develope our relationship. man...that sounds so offical like. she's my sister and friend.

anyways...about my schedule....basically already have mid too end feb planned, but have off basically/probably from the 9th(or sooner) of the month to the end of feb, plus maybe couple days in march off. no flying means lot less money, but also means travel and seeing friends and taking care of business!!

like this job, but love idea of going some place sunny.

yeah...that's right!

so totally had the great reality check today," who cares what other people think of your plans. do em. they are your thing. and your doing for your reason. let people think what they will."

the thing is, have been a bit iffy about moving back to US. specifically back to parents pad. this is for multiple reasons, but one was the whole "their thoughts about samantha's plans". ideas of getting pychic attacts and people being like "ohhh that samantha just doing her samantha thing again."

That's Right! is what i have to say to that! who cares what thoughts you might project at me. this is the life i have chosen to live and am excited about it! say you support me or not, what i am doing i feel excited and dare i say it "passionate" about! Just watch me not give into your "another one of samantha's things" thought forms! Watch this be done and be supported by the Universe! That's right! that's right!

Samantha is moving back to US. and is moving into a living arangement that works for her, with her routine. and she'll feed the hungry and go back take computer classes and grant writting classes and work with children. yeah!

child development and stuff

so realized today that call myself sammy d. was looking in the mirror today and was saying something about myself and called myself sammy d. and realized that's what i call myself. strange, but anyways...
the real topic on mind is children.
and i've come to realize i really haven't given much thought to discipining my children. like, what do i do if they write all over the walls? how can i prevent things like that from happening? children are children and all sorts of unexpected things are going to happen. and then what about when they become teenagers. some may make the argument that "you were a teenager not too long ago yourself". yes, but i wasn't what would maybe be deeemed the average teenager. i meditated, played sports, and watched tv, and went to the movies on the weekend. no party's, never wanted to. no boyfriends, never had a big interest or the selfesteem.
maybe i'll just raise my kids to listen and play with bright music, it totally helped form my thoughts on good character.
so yeah...have been looking at these child development books, non yet what am looking for, but some basically just go into how to raise your child, not speaking so much of a childs natural cycle of growth. they seem to be all about how we form a child to the way we think they should be formed. am still looking for a book that simple tells of the natural cycle of childhood development and us working with that to further develope. because to me, children are so naturally in tune w/ themselves(speaking/thinking from looking at the very young).
ohh how much this chicka has to learn.
am excited about this learning process.
light love and blessings